• remember that fear means you are getting closer to the truth
• imagine yourself in the other person’s position
• know the impact your behavior has upon others
• acknowledge that your family relationships are the highest priority
• remember that your reputation is always in issue
• value the importance of staying “in relationship” and not checking out

When thinking about how to reach a resolution:

• be willing to reach mutually satisfactory agreements
• avoid posturing, tantrums, and “all or nothing” ultimatums
• have no judgment about the other’s lifestyle, ideas or plans
• identify mutual needs and interests that serve everyone
• define and prioritize needs and interests that are most important
• determine how needs and interests impact your life and why
• decide whether needs and interests are significant, tangible, present/future, and beneficial/harmful to you and your relationships

When in a dialogue with others, continue to:

• be in control of emotions, expressions, and outbursts
• communicate clearly and calmly, don’t activate others
• understand the context and content of the message
• give respect so that you get respect
• maintain a civil and polite manner
• listen and “hear” what the other is saying and not saying
• avoid interrupting, when in doubt ask if the other is finished

Powerful ways to achieve resolution include:

• stay in the present, the past will not help you now or in the future
• get past personality issues and past events that block you
• identify multiple options without evaluating
• find common solutions that benefits you and your community
• identify whether the solution is a present or future benefit
• examine and be willing to renegotiate any prior agreements

Above all, take ownership and responsibility for your behaviors, decisions, and agreements.

Before deciding who does what and when regarding the children, know that the agreements that you make are not cast in stone but can and will change over time. Why? Because nothing remains the same—people change, feelings change, situations change, lives change and life itself changes. Parenting works best when each parent remains open to change and expects nothing and nobody to stay the same. Smart parents are flexible in their response to change—thinking of solutions before criticizing something new.

What all this means is to expect the unexpected! While you may plan to be with your son on his birthday, that may change when you have to work or your mother is sick. You may find that you have more time available to you and may want to trade for a day or weekend that you missed. So remember that your willingness to cooperate sets an example and allows you to take the lead in a positive way. Your example creates a non-threatening opportunity, allowing the other parent to cooperate in an equally positive way. When both parents cooperate, remain flexible and are willing to adapt, accommodate and change, everything eventually works out—and your kids will always come first!

But now, in courtroom battles across the subcontinent, in cases brought by slum dwellers and outsourcing workers and millionaires alike, Indians are fighting in growing numbers to divorce. And as words like “alimony,” “stepchild” and “pre-nup” start to roll off Indian tongues, many observers bemoan a profound metamorphosis of values in a nation trotting toward new affluence.

“The great Indian family is definitely under threat,” said Shobhaa Dé, the author of “Spouse: The Truth about Marriage” and one of India’s most widely read social chroniclers. Dé, herself divorced and remarried years ago, described the new ethos as “unthinkable to an earlier generation.”

Consider the microcosm of Mumbai. Since 1990, around the time that India opened its gates to the world, the annual number of divorce petitions filed in Mumbai has more than doubled to reach 4,138 in 2007, far outpacing population growth, according to data culled for this article from musty, hand-kept records at the city’s family court.

Or, to put it more vividly, Mumbai made divorcés of 30,000 more people in those 17 years than it would have had the annual rate of breakups held at the 1990 level.

Such detailed data are not compiled at the national level. But, according to a study of 2001 census data by two Indian demographers, Ajay Kumar Singh and R.K. Sinha, Mumbai’s divorce rate – with about 7 percent of marriages failing – is roughly on a par with that of other metropolises and not much higher than the national level, offering a reliable gauge of the national trend.

 Lynn Killips

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