Rules of Engagement
When issues or potential conflicts arise around child custody, parenting plans, custody agreements, divorce or similar issues:
- remember that fear means you are getting closer to the truth
- imagine yourself in the other person’s position
- know the impact your behavior has upon others
- acknowledge that your family relationships are the highest priority
- remember that your reputation is always in issue
- value the importance of staying “in relationship” and not checking out
When thinking about how to reach a resolution:
- be willing to reach mutually satisfactory agreements
- avoid posturing, tantrums, and “all or nothing” ultimatums
- have no judgment about the other’s lifestyle, ideas or plans
- identify mutual needs and interests that serve everyone
- define and prioritize needs and interests that are most important
- determine how needs and interests impact your life and why
- decide whether needs and interests are significant, tangible, present/future, and beneficial/harmful to you and your relationships
When in a dialogue with others, continue to:
- be in control of emotions, expressions, and outbursts
- communicate clearly and calmly, don’t activate others
- understand the context and content of the message
- give respect so that you get respect
- maintain a civil and polite manner
- listen and “hear” what the other is saying and not saying
- avoid interrupting, when in doubt ask if the other is finished
Powerful ways to achieve resolution include:
- stay in the present, the past will not help you now or in the future
- get past personality issues and past events that block you
- identify multiple options without evaluating
- find common solutions that benefits you and your community
- identify whether the solution is a present or future benefit
- examine and be willing to renegotiate any prior agreements
Above all, take ownership and responsibility for your behaviors, decisions, and agreements.
