Custody agreements and parenting plans are being required by more and more courts around the country. We are compiling of list of states who require these documents.

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Praise good behavior and accomplishments.
Ask a trusted friend or family member for assistance. Schedule regular breaks for yourself.
Relax! When angry, count to ten or take five minutes to cool down. It does work.
Enjoy your time with your child. Turn off the TV. Play a game, do an activity or take a walk.
Nuture your child’s judgment; let him or her make choices when appropriate.
Talk to your child about your family’s values and important rules. Be consistent.
Stop misbehavior by distracting your child with positive activity.

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Parents can now use a variety of social networking tools to learn about and to share the best parenting techniques. Twitter, Stumble-Upon, Facebook, and similar tools have interest groups that focus on parenting for intact and blended families. On Twitter KidsFirst! can be found as the profile kids_first and many child-related “twitterers” are following kids_first. Local social networks are valuable resources as well, including blogs, bulletin boards, and meet-up groups. The most comprehensive group is the Berkeley Parents Network http://parents.berkeley.edu/ and a good example to follow.

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I helped edit a chapter about divorce in a new book by Jamie Woolf, “Mom-In-Chief” available on Amazon. http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Chief-Wisdom-Workplace-Family/dp/0470381310/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1233352575&sr=8-1

I was also quoted so here is an excerpt about parenting through separation and divorce:

Divorce
My parents divorced when I was twelve. When my father broke the news to me, I remember two main reactions. First, I was relieved: no more dreading when my father came home and a deep freeze enveloped our house. Second, I was scared: Would this mean moving from my house, my friends, and my school? Would we still go on vacations? How would we make it money-wise on my mom’s schoolteacher salary? Would I live with my mom? Would I have to spend more time alone with my dad, a frightful thought? I believe these are the kinds of questions most kids have when their parents decide to divorce. Some others that I recall: Where will Dad live? Can I still go to camp this summer? Can I still be on my softball team? Was the divorce my fault? Would I still get the ski jacket my mom told me I could buy?

Yep, I really did worry about that ski jacket with the yellow and orange stripes across the back (and did get it, to my relief), which points to the seemingly trivial things your child may find important. You won’t know their concerns unless you carve out lots of time for talking.

There are plenty of great books out there that suggest age-appropriate ways to break the news, describe common psychological reactions, and offer best practices. It’s not true that divorce automatically ruins a child’s life forever, as some pundits would have it. But no matter how it’s handled, divorce disrupts children’s lives. Only by exercising good leadership tactics can you keep the damage to a minimum and improve the odds that positive outcomes will result from the challenge of divorce.

Focus on the Big Picture
When Dana’s eleven-year-old daughter, do I need a pseudonym for the daughter? I decided to hide her real identity given the delicate nature of this story said at the dinner table, “Daddy treats you worse than Uncle Vernon treats Harry Potter,” Dana knew she had to leave the marriage. She realized that she was putting up with disrespectful behavior from her husband that she would never want her daughter to endure now or in any adult relationships. After going through years of counseling to no avail, Dana finally concluded that the dynamics would not improve.

Dana didn’t want to teach her daughter and her younger son to repress their feelings or submit to abusive behaviors from anyone. She realized that the dynamics of her marriage ran counter to the values she was teaching her children. Consequently, her ambivalence about whether to stay or leave eased, and she made the hard decision to divorce.

Set an Example
Divorce is hard. Staying in a bad marriage can be worse, especially for the children. “I knew I had to forge a different path. I needed to be my own role model so I could set a positive example for my kids,” said Dana.

The good news is that divorce provides the opportunity to show how adults can respect and cooperate with each other. For some divorcing parents, modeling strong relationship skills is easier once they decide to separate. If you and your former partner can maintain a civil relationship and work as co-leaders of your family with the best interests of your children at heart, you can continue to be positive role models. For me, watching my parents fight every day was far worse than coping with their break-up. When they both eventually remarried, I had the good fortune to see my parents happy and to see what a good marriage looked like.

Connect and Support
As in any difficult situation, the most important antidote to crisis is a caring connection. In the case of divorce, this means supporting your child even when she acts out. For one dad I know, there were plenty of days when he looked forward to picking up his five-year-old daughter from school, only to be greeted by “I wish you were dead so I could just live with mom.”

Although heartbroken to hear this, he simply said, “I don’t blame you for being angry at me because our family is no longer together as it used to be.” His daughter’s comments were hard to hear, but he knew that she needed to have the intensity of her feelings acknowledged and heard. Effective parents and leaders aren’t superhuman. They have their own messy feelings, but they know when they need to remain composed and when they need to seek solace from trusted confidants and express their own vulnerabilities and complicated feelings. All good leaders need a place to blow off steam so that they can be there for others.

I routinely give my clients the following advice for dealing with upset employees: listen and validate, validate, and validate some more. The same advice holds true for separating or divorcing parents. You can only try to make the situation easier [but in the end, you can’t fix it anyway. One manager, after listening to his upset staff express their resentment about their company’s relocation plans that he knew he couldn’t fix, said, “I know you’re unhappy we’re moving our headquarters to Sacramento. I understand how upset you are and that you really wish we could stay here. I know that for many of you this means a much longer commute.” Your job is to be a good listener, even when it’s difficult to hear what people have to say.

This manager couldn’t change an unpopular decision, but by listening and empathizing, he was able to ease some of the anxiety. Just like good bosses who encourage employees to bring problems to their attention, good parents encourage children to feel comfortable sharing their troubles, and let them know that someone is there to listen and support them. Sometimes children need a little prompting to share their fears. Clinical psychologist Susan Greene, Ph.D., says that 95 percent of children think it’s their fault when their parents divorce. “They may not ask because they don’t want their fears confirmed,” says Dr. Greene. It’s important to tell children often that the divorce had nothing to do with them.

You can’t guide your child through the stormy seas of divorce when you are drowning in a whirlpool of anger and emotion. It is difficult enough to be a good role model and convey optimism when you are going through emotional upheaval, but it is impossible when you are constantly fighting with the other parent. Even though divorcing parents may know intellectually that their child will bounce back, it’s hard not to react in the moment when she displays regressive behavior like bed wetting or thumb sucking, or says “I wish you were dead.” Parents going through divorce need to seek out caring connections, whether with family, friends, or therapists, in order to “be there” in an appropriate way for their child. This is a time when it truly takes a village or at least a few stalwart villagers to help you through so that you can help your child through as well.

Co-leadership During Divorce
As if divorce weren’t painful enough, you need to develop a strong sense of being on a team with your ex-spouse, of all people. During and right after divorce you may be angry, hurt, or devastated, so your ex is the last person on earth you would want on your team. But child psychologists advise parents to think of the long-term needs of their children and work together for their best interests.

Child psychologist Barbara Waterman, Ph.D., says, “The most important predictor of how kids fare post divorce is the ability of the parents, even if they hate each other, to work together to support the needs of the children.” Putting your child’s needs first is easier said than done. Dr. Greene says that most parents who come into her office embrace the idea of putting kids first, but their actions can contradict their good intentions. For example, divorced parents with joint custody can have a tough time adjusting to spending less time with their child. Parents may put their own needs first not realizing that they are overlooking their child’s needs. Eager to spend their “shift” with their child, they discount that their child may, for example, want to spend her time at a birthday party with friends.

“I often hear divorced parents argue about ‘your time’ versus ‘my time,’ forgetting that it’s the kid’s time,” says Dr. Greene. It’s important to remember that good leadership relies on putting the best interests of others first.

I often coach leaders at work who don’t get along well with a co-leader or team member. As is true in families, the rift is felt throughout the organization and takes the form of divided loyalty, anxiety, and confusion. I advise business leaders to fortify their relationship skills for the benefit of their “followers.”

The same goes for parents: watch for trigger points for both you and your ex so that you can better regulate your emotions and keep a check on hostile behavior, especially when your children may be listening. For your child to be able to remain a child amid the turmoil of divorce, it’s important to resist pulling him into disagreements. If you and your ex work out solutions together and show a united front, your child will not be put in the position of choosing sides.

Laura Garcia-Moreno, a literature professor, knew that her sixteen-year-old daughter, Ines, was facing a difficult decision. Laura’s ex-husband, Ignacio, asked Ines to stay with him for a semester when he was a visiting professor in Norway. With their bitter divorce still painful even after six years, Laura’s knee-jerk response was a flat-out “no way.” She was furious with her ex-husband for even suggesting that Ines move halfway around the world from her, so she resolved to pull legal rank if she was forced. Very soon, though, she realized that taking this hard-line stance would be a big mistake. Ines could hold it against her, and Laura didn’t want to put her daughter in the position of choosing sides. Another important consideration was that the trip might prove to be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for Ines. Like all great leaders faced with a tough decision, Laura knew that her own needs must be sacrificed so that her daughter would benefit.

At first, Ines decided she didn’t want to leave her mother or her friends. Laura made it clear to Ines that she didn’t want her to go, but also made it clear that her sadness at being separated from Ines was a separate issue and that Laura would support whatever decision she made. Laura told Ines that she would be happy for her and that although she would miss her terribly, their connection would remain strong and grow in new ways. Laura decided to put her own embittered feelings about her ex-husband aside and collaborated with Ignacio to figure out what was best for Ines. Together they decided to empower Ines by allowing her to make the decision herself; whatever she elected to do would be fine with both parents.

When Ines was stuck in indecision and her deadline to register for her upcoming school semester was fast approaching, she turned to her mother for advice, but Laura knew she couldn’t make the decision for her daughter. In fact, she worried that if she influenced the decision, she might interfere with a great opportunity for her daughter to experience another culture and establish a positive connection with her father. Even if Ines’s visit didn’t go well, Laura was confident that her daughter would learn something valuable.

“I told Ines that neither I nor her father could tell her what to do. This was her decision. I didn’t want to influence her decision, even though I felt strongly that I didn’t want her to go. I worked hard to set aside my emotions about Ines and my negative feelings about my ex-husband.”

Laura made an important decision. Realizing that neither she nor her ex-husband could offer their daughter neutral counsel even though they both expressed their support for whatever she opted to do, Laura suggested that Ines talk to the school counselor, which she did. After her first meeting with the counselor, Ines realized that she did indeed want to go to Norway.

In the end, Ines had a fabulous time making Norwegian friends, gaining confidence in a foreign culture, and learning to speak Norwegian. Most important, she returned home with a greater sense of self-confidence and a faith in her own power and judgment. Ines and her parents were thrilled she had had the opportunity to spend part of her junior year of high school in Norway.

In the workplace and at home, co-leaders set the tone of the environment. Henry Koltys, a family law mediator and attorney who developed KidsFirst! software that helps parents collaborate after separation, sees a direct parallel between sound management practices and reaching resolution in custody disputes.

Opportunities for Involvement

We all want to feel in control over our life. Divorce represents a startling departure from the status quo, with unfortunate consequences forced on the child by others. When anyone, adult or child, is denied the opportunity to control his or her circumstances, the outcome is often anger and sometimes outright despair. In the workplace, I often see unilateral decisions that negatively affect people, and the resulting consequences are usually sabotage, apathy, and sometimes rebellion. Likewise, a child with a compromised sense of power and control over her own life can give in to unhealthy impulses , including and especially turning anger on herself or her parents. The more that parents provide opportunities for the child to participate and to regain control over a decision that disrupts her life, the more likely it is that parents can avoid or alleviate a child’s depression or anxiety.

Just as great leaders find innovative ways to engage their team, parents should seek out creative ways to involve children and to give them a voice, enabling them to feel heard and understood. To smooth the transition, keep schedules as constant and transparent as possible and inform your child about his routine and about decisions that affect him. Involve your child in writing his schedule on the calendar to track when he is with Mommy or Daddy and to record upcoming activities. Carve out time to discuss ideas for fun weekend or after school activities. This sounds so simple, but . if your child understands his routines, and feels that he has a say in how he’ll spend his time, he can begin to heal and feel more in charge of his life. The more that children feel in control of their family life, the more they can begin to regain a sense of security.

All the leadership strategies that strengthen families during hard times will be needed for the gargantuan task of parenting teenagers. Many parents I talk to call adolescence a crisis. Sex, drugs, rebellion, eating disorders, hormonal swings—parenting teenagers takes every last bit of hardiness we can eke out plus an entirely new set of skills. These skills are similar to those required when dealing with disgruntled employees, except for the small detail that you can’t fire your children or fall back on your formal authority over them.

The next chapter doesn’t offer any easy, cookie-cutter solutions to parenting children during the turbulent teenage years, but you will be heartened to learn that you’re not alone and that there are leadership strategies that can help you feel more in charge and less, as one mom described, as if you were tone deaf and mute and had two left hands.

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When you are going on a trip but you don’t know how to get there, what should you do?  If you don’t have a road map you will wind up somewhere but not where you want to be.

Parenting plans are like a road map between parents so that they not only agree where they want to go but how to get there.

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