KidsFirst! Custody Agreements - Parenting Plans » Parenting Plan Questions

Custody Agreement vs. Parenting Plan

Henry Koltys — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 03:46:35 +0000

What is the difference between a custody agreement and a parenting plan?

A custody agreement is usually two or three pages and addresses legal and physical custody, the child’s primary residence, and a brief co-parenting schedule.

A parenting plan goes into much more detail and addresses healthcare, education (schools, classes, tutors, special education), childcare/daycare, religious worship/training, detailed co-parenting schedules (daily, weekly, monthly, vacations, holidays, holy days), living situations (move-away, commuting, residents), sports (school/league/neighborhood), travel (permissions, locations, timing), financial (child support, tax exemption, add-ons), lifestyle (drug/alcohol/dating/sex) and much more.

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Henry Koltys — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 16:20:57 +0000

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Effective Co-Parenting

Henry Koltys — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 15:27:58 +0000

Parenting together is the unspoken agreement we make with our partner or spouse when we both decide to have children and become parents. Having been children ourselves, we know that parents who cooperate and share responsibility are acting in the best interests of the child. We also know that when parents refuse to cooperate and fail to agree on how to raise a child, it is the child who ultimately suffers.

Even though your relationship with the other parent has changed, there is no reason to end the spirit of cooperation and teamwork that worked so well in the past. If your relationship has always been difficult, this is the time for learning and improvement. Although your family no longer lives together after you separate or divorce, you are still a family, you are still parents and your children still need your parenting and love free of conflict. In fact, even when children are eighteen and co-called adults they look to us for advice, support and help—so we continue to honor our agreement because parenting together is what they need, what they deserve, and what is right.

Before deciding who does what and when regarding the children, know that the agreements that you make are not cast in stone but can and will change over time. Why? Because nothing remains the same—people change, feelings change, situations change, lives change and life itself changes. Parenting works best when each parent remains open to change and expects nothing and nobody to stay the same. Smart parents are flexible in their response to change—thinking of solutions before criticizing something new.

What all this means is to expect the unexpected! While you may plan to be with your son on his birthday, that may change when you have to work or your mother is sick. You may find that you have more time available to you and may want to trade for a day or weekend that you missed. So remember that your willingness to cooperate sets an example and allows you to take the lead in a positive way. Your example creates a non-threatening opportunity, allowing the other parent to cooperate in an equally positive way. When both parents cooperate, remain flexible and are willing to adapt, accommodate and change, everything eventually works out—and your kids will always come first!

We Want Your Opinion!

Henry Koltys — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 17:27:53 +0000

In our ongoing effort to enhance KidsFirst! for you we have created a simple survey! We would appreciate your feedback and comments regarding what you need during this transitional time.

Please take just a minute to fill out our survey!

Thank you for making KidsFirst! even better.

How to Best Protect Your Children

Henry Koltys — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 17:08:26 +0000

When going through a divorce or seperation it is sometimes easy to overlook the small things that protect our children. In your parenting plan you need to address ALL issues regarding the child or children- not just the big issues, such as protective gear when playing sports. And which sports they are allowed to play.

Allowing your child to play football, hockey or other violent sport can either benefit or harm him, both emotionally and physically. It is important to hear all sides for what may involve conflicting interests.

It is equally important that neither parent force a child to participate in sports that serve to model or redeem their own successes or failures in sports or even in life.

If the family can talk openly about wishes, desires and fears, these disagreements can be opportunities to speak about deeper issues.

Since the family is in such transition, making decisions that acknowledge the family’s vulnerability can be an opening for healing.

It is critical that each family member has a voice and is allowed the time to explore and explain reasons behind a response. This means the decision making process includes really listening, valuing and considering each other’s perspective.

Instead of saying NO! immediately to a request, leave the door open for discussion by saying, “Tell me more about why you want this.”

By discussing while designing the parenting plan its important to remember, that this plan is meant to put the KidsFirst! not your own or worse to ‘get back at’ your ex.

Protect Your Children

Henry Koltys — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 16:10:21 +0000

“KidsFirst! is perfect for single parents who truly want to minimize the impact created by separation or divorce, impact that often falls upon the children. It’s simple, straightforward, and leaves no room for misinterpretation — it really works. My children are older now but I wish I had this kind of help all along as dealing with the family law court can be tough. I recommend KidsFirst! to any parent who wants to protect their children.”

Lynn Killips

What Parents are Saying

Henry Koltys — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 16:07:27 +0000

“As a single, first-time parent, KidsFirst! really helped me think through all the issues of child custody and shared parenting with my son’s father. Working through the questionaire clarified my own values and attitudes about raising my child to be happy, healthy and well-adjusted and serves as good discussion points with his father. I’m hopeful that with the KidsFirst! Parenting Plan that we can always come to agreement about what is best for our son.” Mary Miller

Agreeing with Your Ex

Henry Koltys — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 01:12:01 +0000

In the present, are you and the other parent able to agree and are you two able to resolve children issues without arguing?Truth is often a question of perspective, usually existing somewhere between one side and the other. If both parents are open and smart enough to view the world from the perspective of the other parent, you will be able to reach common agreement leading to real collaboration.Remember that you can best be a peacemaker when you are truly at peace with yourself and that your children will model your behavior, good or bad.

A parent may want peace at any cost, but not realize the “real” cost is too expensive until it is too late. If you hide negative feelings about a situation because you have always believed that everything would go more smoothly to just “go along,” you may be causing bigger problems for you and your family.

If you do not allow yourself to feel the loss when relationships change or end, however harmful it may be, you may be missing a great opportunity for significant personal improvement and growth. Pay careful attention when you experience too much or too little feeling about a conflict because it may indicate you may be ignoring your true feelings.

Showing your true face and true feelings would honor your honest experience. Expressing yourself without being mean or harmful, even if those feelings are anger or frustration, will help in many ways. Using this opportunity to explore personal issues and express your honest feelings, you encourage others involved to do the same.

Taking responsiblity for your feelings In the safe environment of therapy could help create an authentic collaborative relationship with the other parent.

There are many forms of self-inquiry and many types of services available, from traditional therapy to church counseling. You may even have a wise friend or relative you would trust when talking about your negative feelings. To be most helpful, share your feelings with a safe and objective listener who will not criticize or judge you, the other parent or your situation.

Custody Agreement Questions

Henry Koltys — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 01:11:10 +0000

Do you both agree to have the same custody agreements for all your children? If both parents agree on joint custody, the next question should be: “How does this arrangement benefit our child?” If he is very young, making an agreement to move him from one parent’s home to the other several times each week is too disruptive.

If your child moves from one house to the other without a enough time to adjust and find a consistant rythmn, he may begin to feel unsafe and emotionally unstable. It is important to establish consistent routines in each home because children need structure.

Longer periods of time spent with each parent may be preferable so one week on and one week off may be a better arrangement.

Legal Help

Parents can agree to have a different custody agreement for each child. Because of the difference in ages, the rules may well be different for each child.

Welcome to KidsFirst! On-line Parenting Plan Blog!

Henry Koltys — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 23:23:30 +0000

Welcome to our KidsFirst! blog, where we provide separating and divorcing parents with valuable, practical parenting advice and legal information to help protect children during this critical time.

We would appreciate any suggestions and comments that will improve both KidsFirst! parenting plan software and the KidsFirst! blog.

Henry Koltys