Parenting plans are like a road map between parents so that they not only agree where they want to go but how to get there.

• remember that fear means you are getting closer to the truth
• imagine yourself in the other person’s position
• know the impact your behavior has upon others
• acknowledge that your family relationships are the highest priority
• remember that your reputation is always in issue
• value the importance of staying “in relationship” and not checking out

When thinking about how to reach a resolution:

• be willing to reach mutually satisfactory agreements
• avoid posturing, tantrums, and “all or nothing” ultimatums
• have no judgment about the other’s lifestyle, ideas or plans
• identify mutual needs and interests that serve everyone
• define and prioritize needs and interests that are most important
• determine how needs and interests impact your life and why
• decide whether needs and interests are significant, tangible, present/future, and beneficial/harmful to you and your relationships

When in a dialogue with others, continue to:

• be in control of emotions, expressions, and outbursts
• communicate clearly and calmly, don’t activate others
• understand the context and content of the message
• give respect so that you get respect
• maintain a civil and polite manner
• listen and “hear” what the other is saying and not saying
• avoid interrupting, when in doubt ask if the other is finished

Powerful ways to achieve resolution include:

• stay in the present, the past will not help you now or in the future
• get past personality issues and past events that block you
• identify multiple options without evaluating
• find common solutions that benefits you and your community
• identify whether the solution is a present or future benefit
• examine and be willing to renegotiate any prior agreements

Above all, take ownership and responsibility for your behaviors, decisions, and agreements.

A custody agreement is usually two or three pages and addresses legal and physical custody, the child’s primary residence, and a brief co-parenting schedule.

A parenting plan goes into much more detail and addresses healthcare, education (schools, classes, tutors, special education), childcare/daycare, religious worship/training, detailed co-parenting schedules (daily, weekly, monthly, vacations, holidays, holy days), living situations (move-away, commuting, residents), sports (school/league/neighborhood), travel (permissions, locations, timing), financial (child support, tax exemption, add-ons), lifestyle (drug/alcohol/dating/sex) and much more.

In the seesaw battle to test grandparents’ rights in child-visitation disputes, Hawaii’s highest court in December reversed the momentum grandparents had recently regained. The ruling comes after decisions in 2006 in Pennsylvania, Colorado, and Utah, in which those states’ supreme courts had sided with grandparents who were forced to sue for visits with their grandchildren.

In another twist before that, a U.S. Supreme Court ruling in a case from Washington state—decided in 2000—had sent grandparents’ visitation rights reeling. Prior to the Washington case, grandparents across the country had a legal right to sue for visits with their grandchildren. But in 2000, the Supreme Court sharply curtailed those rights.

“Everything changed after that,” said Barbara Jones, an attorney with the AARP Foundation litigation staff. In that case, the Supreme Court ruled that a broad visitation statute in Washington, which allowed even non-relatives legal standing, violated the constitutional rights of parents. In its ruling, the court beefed up parental rights. “But the court ruled that laws that are narrowly written or construed to respect the rights of parents may comport with the Constitution,” Jones added.

Family law has been reverberating ever since. As of 2007, 23 state supreme courts have ruled on the constitutionality of their respective state’s visitation statutes, according to Jeff Atkinson, adjunct professor of law at Chicago’s DePaul University and author of the American Bar Association’s “Guide to Marriage, Divorce & Families.” Most courts have held that the laws are constitutional, at least when applied in certain circumstances. But, since 2000, top courts in Florida, Illinois, Iowa, Michigan, and Washington have held their respective state statutes unconstitutional.

Legislatures in some of those states and in many others reworked their visitation statutes “to give weight to the decisions the parents make,” said Traci Truly, a Dallas family lawyer and author of “Grandparents’ Rights.” Many people gave up grandparents’ rights for dead, Truly noted, but “grandparent rights didn’t die; it [visitation] survived.”

Still, grandparents’ legal standing is not as broad as it once was. “It is possible for grandparents to obtain visitation rights in certain circumstances,” Atkinson said. Courts have recently sided with grandparents in cases involving the death or incarceration of a parent, for example, or with grandparents who have raised their grandchildren for a period of time only to be cut off suddenly from seeing their grandkids, or in other cases in which grandchildren would be harmed by not seeing their grandparents.

“AARP believes grandparents should have the right to petition the court” on matters of visitation, said Amy Goyer, national coordinator for the AARP Foundation’s Grandparenting Program. She remarked, “It should be left up to the courts in terms of what is in the best interest of the child.”

“The burden of proof is firmly on grandparents to show visitation is necessary,” Atkinson added. In some states, the laws say the court should decide based on what is in the best interest of the child. In other states, grandparents have to prove that the grandchild would be harmed if prevented from seeing the grandparents. This latter standard, a tougher one for grandparents to meet, was the essence of the recent ruling in Hawaii.

That case involved the grandparents of a boy who lived with his mother, the couple’s daughter, but not his father. After the grandson complained to his grandparents that his mother’s boyfriend had beaten him, a police investigation found evidence of corporal punishment but concluded that legal intervention was unwarranted. The grandparents discussed the beatings with their daughter, who then terminated any visitation by them. The grandparents claim that in addition to their protection of their grandson and concern for his care, their visitation was supported by their grandson’s father, who, though absent from the family, supported the boy financially.

AARP filed a friend-of-the-court, or amicus, brief in the case and emphasized studies showing the benefits of grandparents’ involvement. Studies demonstrate that grandparents contribute significantly to the healthy development of their grandchildren. In cases where homes are broken by divorce, incarceration, mental and physical illness, AIDS, crime, or the death of one or both parents, Jones said, the presence of a constant and reliable family member, grandparent, or other relative, is particularly important to children.

AARP argued that the “best interest of the child” standard in the state’s grandparents’ visitation statute was the appropriate basis for which to award visitation, but the Hawaii Supreme Court ruled that the state’s lower courts must adopt a test of whether upholding the parent’s wishes could cause “harm” to the child.

Seeking a Better Alternative
The back-and-forth court rulings should give grandparents added incentive to try to work out issues or bad feelings with their grandchildren’s parents, in order to see the grandkids.

“We urge people to resolve out of court,” Jones said. Going to court should be a last-ditch option. “It’s costly and takes years,” she added, and can rip families further apart. If your attempts to resolve issues fail, consider using a trained mediator.

“We urge mediation first,” Goyer said. A low-cost option, mediation helps people come to an agreement. Typically, each side gives a little, but each gains, too. To find a mediator in your area.

“We can help parents and grandparents work it out,” said Mary Ellen Bowen, executive director of Mid-South Mediation Services in Hohenwald, Tenn.

If you have tried that avenue and find that going to court is the only option left, then contact a family lawyer to find out whether courts have upheld strong grandparents’ visitation rights in the state where the child lives.

Before deciding who does what and when regarding the children, know that the agreements that you make are not cast in stone but can and will change over time. Why? Because nothing remains the same—people change, feelings change, situations change, lives change and life itself changes. Parenting works best when each parent remains open to change and expects nothing and nobody to stay the same. Smart parents are flexible in their response to change—thinking of solutions before criticizing something new.

What all this means is to expect the unexpected! While you may plan to be with your son on his birthday, that may change when you have to work or your mother is sick. You may find that you have more time available to you and may want to trade for a day or weekend that you missed. So remember that your willingness to cooperate sets an example and allows you to take the lead in a positive way. Your example creates a non-threatening opportunity, allowing the other parent to cooperate in an equally positive way. When both parents cooperate, remain flexible and are willing to adapt, accommodate and change, everything eventually works out—and your kids will always come first!

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It is important to establish consistent routines in each home because children need structure.

What works for your family?

Allowing your child to play football, hockey or other violent sport can either benefit or harm him, both emotionally and physically. It is important to hear all sides for what may involve conflicting interests.

 It is equally important that neither parent force a child to participate in sports that serve to model or redeem their own successes or failures in sports or even in life.

If the family can talk openly about wishes, desires and fears, these disagreements can be opportunities to speak about deeper issues.

 Since the family is in such transition, making decisions that acknowledge the family’s vulnerability can be an opening for healing.

It is critical that each family member has a voice and is allowed the time to explore and explain reasons behind a response. This means the decision making process includes really listening, valuing and considering each other’s perspective.

 Instead of saying NO! immediately to a request, leave the door open for discussion by saying, “Tell me more about why you want this.”

By discussing while designing the parenting plan  its important to remember, that this plan is meant to put the KidsFirst! not your own or worse to ‘get back at’ your ex.